I have “tried” retreats. Silent. Week long. Or just occasional daylong zen. And now I understand my need to flee. I went into them thinking in the silence I would find peace and interior silence. And as external silence descended I found only what made me itchy with discomfort. I felt anger at the structure. I felt like I had to...flee. And finally you explained it so beautifully--my understanding is still imperfect--but I see what I think happened. I was left with me. And I had no exterior interaction to blame or struggle against. And the interactions that remained rubbed like sandpaper against the me I didn’t really want to be alone with. In short. I did not stay long enough. Thank you. And I will read those books.
I think you're absolutely right about the structure - I had the same experience in the ashram. I got really annoyed at everyone, and it took me a few days to realise it was the institution and its rules I was struggling with, not the people. I think our culture is so individualistic, and the idea of subsuming yourself into an institution runs so counter to that, so it's hard for most of us. Then add on the fact that you're slamming up hard against your own mind, with no distractions, and it's a double whammy. I don't think these things are right for everyone, and they're certainly not right for certain times in your life. I've actually driven home early from a weekend retreat before because I couldn't handle it right then. So I'd go easy on yourself - we're all works in progress!
I have “tried” retreats. Silent. Week long. Or just occasional daylong zen. And now I understand my need to flee. I went into them thinking in the silence I would find peace and interior silence. And as external silence descended I found only what made me itchy with discomfort. I felt anger at the structure. I felt like I had to...flee. And finally you explained it so beautifully--my understanding is still imperfect--but I see what I think happened. I was left with me. And I had no exterior interaction to blame or struggle against. And the interactions that remained rubbed like sandpaper against the me I didn’t really want to be alone with. In short. I did not stay long enough. Thank you. And I will read those books.
I think you're absolutely right about the structure - I had the same experience in the ashram. I got really annoyed at everyone, and it took me a few days to realise it was the institution and its rules I was struggling with, not the people. I think our culture is so individualistic, and the idea of subsuming yourself into an institution runs so counter to that, so it's hard for most of us. Then add on the fact that you're slamming up hard against your own mind, with no distractions, and it's a double whammy. I don't think these things are right for everyone, and they're certainly not right for certain times in your life. I've actually driven home early from a weekend retreat before because I couldn't handle it right then. So I'd go easy on yourself - we're all works in progress!