I have “tried” retreats. Silent. Week long. Or just occasional daylong zen. And now I understand my need to flee. I went into them thinking in the silence I would find peace and interior silence. And as external silence descended I found only what made me itchy with discomfort. I felt anger at the structure. I felt like I had to...flee. And finally you explained it so beautifully--my understanding is still imperfect--but I see what I think happened. I was left with me. And I had no exterior interaction to blame or struggle against. And the interactions that remained rubbed like sandpaper against the me I didn’t really want to be alone with. In short. I did not stay long enough. Thank you. And I will read those books.
I have “tried” retreats. Silent. Week long. Or just occasional daylong zen. And now I understand my need to flee. I went into them thinking in the silence I would find peace and interior silence. And as external silence descended I found only what made me itchy with discomfort. I felt anger at the structure. I felt like I had to...flee. And finally you explained it so beautifully--my understanding is still imperfect--but I see what I think happened. I was left with me. And I had no exterior interaction to blame or struggle against. And the interactions that remained rubbed like sandpaper against the me I didn’t really want to be alone with. In short. I did not stay long enough. Thank you. And I will read those books.